...was lost but now am found.

I am a licensed Substance Abuse Counselor in the State of New York. I went to school on the government dime and did not for a minute feel guilty about getting a free education. When I was in high school and my first attempt at college I never sat in the front, never engaged, was stoned most of the time and missed about half my classes. It still amazes me that I actually graduated high school.

This time around it was different. I sat in the front, always participated, asked so many questions some instructors would purposely ignore me, always showed up early and left late. I loved learning, embraced it, reveled in my new found knowledge. I felt like every scrap of information might have relevance at some point in my career so I missed nothing.... or so I thought.

Actually, I missed nothing. What I did was avoid looking at myself and see if anything I was learning applied to me. Kinda like reading a self help book but skipping the one chapter that applied to you. Hmm...

So, flash forward to the here and now. Why am I so emotionally stunted? Why do I struggle with my feelings? Why do I have a hard time with relationships? Why do I act like a teenager from time to time? Um, because in emotional age I still am?

How's that? In the world of substance abuse it is believed that addicts stop growing emotionally when they start using or exhibit addictive behavior/personality. I am not an addict in the traditional sense but I did and to a certain extent still have an addictive personality. I have know this for a while but never put two and two together.

I now know why I am emotionally stunted. Why I struggle with relationships. Why I find it so hard to put my feelings into words. Why I speak before I think. But all is not lost. Knowing is half the battle and I know. So what am I to do about it? I think talking about it helps. Informing a significant other is good too. Therapy could also help. But there is one other thing I can do and I did it that very morning. Yes, go to church. Surround myself with people who only have my best interest at heart. Talk about it. work on having healthy relationships. Read about it. Oh, one more thing. Turn it over to God. Yes, let go and let God. There is an old saying that goes like this, " don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is".

I kinda like that. Turn it over. Let go of it. I have a lot of things, a lot of character defects that I am ready or almost ready to turn over... to let go of. I hope God is ready.... But I know He is.

Have a peaceful night,

Mark