Ahh, the 80's. Good old Bonnie Tyler. That song still gives me shivers and can bring a tear to my eye. Heartache. I have had lots of heartaches and heartbreaks in my life. Caused a few too for sure. My favorite song used to be "I am a rock" by Simon and Garfunkel but times have changed and I have grown. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that "rock", that "island" that was me where I touched nothing and nothing and nobody ever touched me. But, as they say "can't put the toothpaste back in the tube". Actually, you can... but do you want to? That is the question.
I loved. I still love but the object of my affection does not love me anymore. What do I do? Do I persist knowing that it is futile? Do I accuse knowing that it is her love to give, not mine to take? Do I bargain with her... I'll give you anything you want if you will just love me". Do I bargain with God... "please make her love me because I am so good to her and for her". Or do I do the right thing, the just thing, the loving thing. Just let her go.
Just let her go. How do I do that? How do I walk away from the most amazing woman I ever met, the woman I dreamed about, pined for, fell in love with, fought for, won over and then lost. How do I do that, please tell me because I do not know. I have come a long way since 2000 and my release in 2005, learned plenty about myself along the way, had all kinds of experiences, both good and bad but have never had to deal with this kind of heartache.
I spoke with her last night.... could hear in her voice that she wanted space/distance, could hear in her voice the hollow words, the words that said "goodbye", could hear her accounting for the rest of her week so as not to leave a gap where I could infiltrate her life. I could imagine her worried that I would try to convince her to see me, to hang out, watch a movie, play a game... anything just to be with her one last time. How very, very sad.
It is time for me to grow up and face the truth. The truth being that in order for me to grow I must let go of that which is not mine. Jennifer is her own person... she has a path and a destiny that does not include me. She is now a devoted daughter of God and I need to let her go. That is the right thing to do and that is what I must do.
I will miss her but as life has shown me you never know what's just around the bend or over the hill. I have some travelling to do... me, my truck, my motorcylce and maybe a puppy in the passenger seat. I am almost free from parole and the world can once again be my oyster. Hopefully I am older, a bit wiser and will be more protective of my freedom and have learned something from my past. anyway, with God steering the ship I'm sure we can navigate any stormy sea we encounter.
be Blessed,
Mark
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