I was sitting at my desk in santa Fe this morning, easing my way in to the day by putting my legs up on the desk and slowly sipping my coffee. The early morning sun was intense, as it usually is at this altitude. The sun was starting to peek over the roof, spilling in my office through dirt streaked windows. The light peirced the window and came right through my office, illuminating all the microscopic dirt and dust in the air. It was magical watching the swirling dust motes having their moment in the sun. The sun continued to rise until it passed that point where it no longer streamed through my window and the show was over. It was like all that dust left for the time being, awaiting the sun's return..... but we all know that the dust motes are still there, floating aimlessly with the currents awaiting a purpose, awaiting their moment in the sun.
Sometimes my life is like that. Sometimes I, too feel like I'm drifting with the currents, unnoticed, unwanted and unappreciated.... just waiting, waiting and wondering when I will once again will be illuminated, noticed, valued, wanted. I wonder where my light is and I wonder if I will ever have another moment in the sun.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
What have I done.....
I am leaving New Mexico. It is now official. My last day here will be February 23rd., a Monday. By Thursday morning I'll be in New York City. By Friday I'll be at Parole trying to appeal the decision to keep my parole going for another year at least. Maybe i'll be successful, maybe not but I do know one thing.... I already lost everything, everything that was important to me. I know, I have my freedom, I have my health, I have family and I have Elmo but it all seems empty, hollow, unimportant without her in my life. I will probably spend the rest of my life wondering what could have.... and what should have been. She was and still is the only woman I have ever loved unconditionally, the only one who takes my breath away when I see her, the only one that makes me fumble like a little schoolboy, the only one who makes my heart skip a beat, the only one who's touch ignites me and the one woman who always treated me with care, compassion and love.
On February 23rd, 2009 I will drive away from the woman I love..... and drive towards a future without her snile, her laugh, her touch. I am heartbroken.
On February 23rd, 2009 I will drive away from the woman I love..... and drive towards a future without her snile, her laugh, her touch. I am heartbroken.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Intolerance
I used to be a very opinionated man. I had opinions and ideas that were set in granite. No one could sway me from my beliefs. What usually goes hand in hand with this type of rigidity is intolerance, and boy was I intolerant. I was not always like that. I grew up being this hippy dippy, carefree, accepting and non critical guy just happy to be a part of this world. Living in the 'burbs, raising a family on Long Island I slowly morphed into this rigid, opinionated man, mad at the tolerant world..... but in reality mad at myself for becoming what was anathama to me.
And no, I am not blaming the 'burbs or it's inhabitants. The problem was and still is me. I didn't know who I was, had no moral foundation so I was ripe for indoctrination. I was confused, unhappy with my life and needed someone or something to blame. And of course the easiest people to blame are the weakest, the most defenseless... the people who need the most help, kindness and understanding are always the easiest to target.
So, for me it was the liberals, the gays, the punks, the criminals, the misguided youth..... anyone who was different than me..... and any religion that was not Christian. Of course Certain Jews were exempt.... like my wife, father in law, my children.... exceptions to the rule. The reason why the world was such a messed up place was because two men were having sex in privacy of their own home, gays could adopt, kids were sporting red, spiky hair and so on. I was like a sponge and absorbed everybodies hateful and hurtful opinions.
Of course my reality check came in the form of a 12 year sentence for armed robbery. All of a sudden I was who and what I despised. I was on the fringe. I was an enemy of society. And it got worse. I entered prison and was no longer the white guy at the top of the food change. In the blink of an eye I went from being part of the 83% majority to the 21% minority. It was a shocking, scary and humbling lesson but one I sorely needed. Perceptions. Tolerance. Reality. Opinions. All changd for me during those humbling years.
Zoom to yesterday. I went to a "home church" last night. Sounded like a nice idea. Grass roots religion.... like at the beginning. People getting together, sharing food, sharing song, sharing fellowship, sharing love. And that was how it started. Lots of warm welcomes, a pot luck dinner (I supplied some primo home-baked cornbread), song and prayer. Then something funny happened. The nights "leader" or "home pastor" started talking about social causes, about tithing, about upcoming events. Reasonable but I was wanting to talk about the bible, Jesus, love. Then the pastor went somewhere else, somewhere dark, somewhere from my past. He started taking about the gays, the muslims, abortions, young people with orang hair and strange piercings. He started talking about people who were different than "us", people who were on the fringe, people whose rights in this society get constantly trampled, people who need our love and support, not our disgust.
These people were what was and is wrong with our society was the underlying message. These people are keeping us from spreading the word, these people have no place in a Christian Democracy. Christian Democracy? I thought we were a home church, not a political action committee. And by the way isn't there a little thing called separation of church and state. Furthermore, isn't it tghis type of narrow thought that creates fundemental states like Iran and before that Afganistan where narrow minded men created such organizations as the Taliban? Hmm...
To me the message was poison. A message not of love and understanding but one of intolerence and hate. Now I'm the first guy who will say "I may not support your opinion but I support your right to have it.... and air it out" but that does not mean I have to be a part of it. Furthermore, I know from past experience how easy it would be for me to join them, to pick up the banner of intolerance and once again blame those who need our love most for all the problems in my life. I would slip it on like and old shoe. I may not know much but I do kn ow me and do know how easy it is to fall into that type of thinking. I know about the power of the group, he circle. How warm a feeling to a part of something, even something so devisive. So, instead of surrendering to the warm embrace of the group I left early to go home and tend to my new puppy and to pray for that group.... to ask God to help them see the truth, to bring them in to the light of love, acceptance, forgiveness and tolerance. To help them see that to be tolerant, accepting and inclusive is to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
It is a bright, sunny Sunday. Gods day.... although every day is His day. As I type out this thought, this rambling I feel a comforting warmth spreading through my body. It is the warmth that comes when I know I am once again on the right path, that I prayed for instead of condemning, that I loved and did not hate. I always hear the saying "God works in mysterious ways" but these ways are becoming less and less mysterious as time passes. I think what God wants for all of us is to love one another, love ourselves, share our toys, take an afternoon nap, hold hand crossing the street, eat our milk and cookies and to give thanks to Him for this wonerous miracle called life that each one of us has been blessed with.
Aman Bothers and Sisters.
And no, I am not blaming the 'burbs or it's inhabitants. The problem was and still is me. I didn't know who I was, had no moral foundation so I was ripe for indoctrination. I was confused, unhappy with my life and needed someone or something to blame. And of course the easiest people to blame are the weakest, the most defenseless... the people who need the most help, kindness and understanding are always the easiest to target.
So, for me it was the liberals, the gays, the punks, the criminals, the misguided youth..... anyone who was different than me..... and any religion that was not Christian. Of course Certain Jews were exempt.... like my wife, father in law, my children.... exceptions to the rule. The reason why the world was such a messed up place was because two men were having sex in privacy of their own home, gays could adopt, kids were sporting red, spiky hair and so on. I was like a sponge and absorbed everybodies hateful and hurtful opinions.
Of course my reality check came in the form of a 12 year sentence for armed robbery. All of a sudden I was who and what I despised. I was on the fringe. I was an enemy of society. And it got worse. I entered prison and was no longer the white guy at the top of the food change. In the blink of an eye I went from being part of the 83% majority to the 21% minority. It was a shocking, scary and humbling lesson but one I sorely needed. Perceptions. Tolerance. Reality. Opinions. All changd for me during those humbling years.
Zoom to yesterday. I went to a "home church" last night. Sounded like a nice idea. Grass roots religion.... like at the beginning. People getting together, sharing food, sharing song, sharing fellowship, sharing love. And that was how it started. Lots of warm welcomes, a pot luck dinner (I supplied some primo home-baked cornbread), song and prayer. Then something funny happened. The nights "leader" or "home pastor" started talking about social causes, about tithing, about upcoming events. Reasonable but I was wanting to talk about the bible, Jesus, love. Then the pastor went somewhere else, somewhere dark, somewhere from my past. He started taking about the gays, the muslims, abortions, young people with orang hair and strange piercings. He started talking about people who were different than "us", people who were on the fringe, people whose rights in this society get constantly trampled, people who need our love and support, not our disgust.
These people were what was and is wrong with our society was the underlying message. These people are keeping us from spreading the word, these people have no place in a Christian Democracy. Christian Democracy? I thought we were a home church, not a political action committee. And by the way isn't there a little thing called separation of church and state. Furthermore, isn't it tghis type of narrow thought that creates fundemental states like Iran and before that Afganistan where narrow minded men created such organizations as the Taliban? Hmm...
To me the message was poison. A message not of love and understanding but one of intolerence and hate. Now I'm the first guy who will say "I may not support your opinion but I support your right to have it.... and air it out" but that does not mean I have to be a part of it. Furthermore, I know from past experience how easy it would be for me to join them, to pick up the banner of intolerance and once again blame those who need our love most for all the problems in my life. I would slip it on like and old shoe. I may not know much but I do kn ow me and do know how easy it is to fall into that type of thinking. I know about the power of the group, he circle. How warm a feeling to a part of something, even something so devisive. So, instead of surrendering to the warm embrace of the group I left early to go home and tend to my new puppy and to pray for that group.... to ask God to help them see the truth, to bring them in to the light of love, acceptance, forgiveness and tolerance. To help them see that to be tolerant, accepting and inclusive is to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
It is a bright, sunny Sunday. Gods day.... although every day is His day. As I type out this thought, this rambling I feel a comforting warmth spreading through my body. It is the warmth that comes when I know I am once again on the right path, that I prayed for instead of condemning, that I loved and did not hate. I always hear the saying "God works in mysterious ways" but these ways are becoming less and less mysterious as time passes. I think what God wants for all of us is to love one another, love ourselves, share our toys, take an afternoon nap, hold hand crossing the street, eat our milk and cookies and to give thanks to Him for this wonerous miracle called life that each one of us has been blessed with.
Aman Bothers and Sisters.
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