Changes!!!!

Been a while since I last blogged. About three months. The last time I blogged I had just arrived in NYC, was contimplating the rest of my life and did not like what I saw. I had left Pecos, left New Mexico and left the only woman I had ever loved. You see, l lied to her, lied to Jennifer and it cost me everything. We broke up, broke up and spent 2 months breaking up. It was painful, it was hard and it was destined to become ugly. We couldn't stop seeing each other and we couldn't let go. Kind of like limbo. That's why I left. I wanted Jennifer to have the space to get on with her life and knew that being so close to her I would never be able to give her that space..... and I knew that in order to get over her I had to give myself space, 2000 miles of it. I cried the whole way home. Cried and shook my fist at God. "why did you introduce me to her and then allow me to ruin it?". Of course God didn't answer, nor did he wreck our relationship. I did that all by myself.

So, once in New York I tried to busy myself, tried to get her off of my mind. Tried to meet new people, make new friends. I tried to act as if, to get on with my life and pretend that all was well. I started trying to erase her from my life. I started deleting things from my computer that reminded me of her. Took all pictures of her, burned them to disk then erased them from my computer. Put all photos of her in a box in the closet. Removed all traces of her from my living area. The last thing was this blog. I deleted the blog. Erased it. Or so I thought. I then sat back satisfied. I had finally rid myself of every reminder I posessed. But I was wrong. Thankfully.

When a relationship ends the TV version is that pictures get tossed, phone numbers get erased, e-mails get deleted and and everyone happily goes on to the next relationship. But in real life it is not so antiseptic, at least not for me. There was one thing I could not erase, could not delete, could not ignore....... and that was my heart. Deep inside my heart there was still a pining, a desire, a want and a need. I had made a decision to get over, to forget but I forgot one thing. The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wanted Her. I missed her. I missed Jennifer. My Life was like eating ice cream without any flavor. Unsatisfying. I had met the woman of my dreams and could not conveniently put her memory away like an old photo album. But what to do?

I sent her one e-mail. One telling her that I was okay..... sorta. That I was "trying" to get on with my life. Boy was I surprised when she wrote back..... and then a few days later she opened her chat on google and chatted with me. What we found out is that after 2 months we both felt the same way. We missed each other. So we talked, chatted, shared and reconnected. Jennifer agreed to come to NYC to visit for a few days. I was so nervous before she came that I had to drink 2 shots of Vodka to calm my nerves.... and then she was there walking down the Jetway. She looked the same, only better. We hugged, we kissed, we loved, we talked, we saw, we did..... and at the end of three days we were just that much closer, talking about long distance dating until I get off of parole. And then she was gone.

I went on about my life thinking of creative ways to end my parole, planning a trip to Pecos to see Jennifer before she moved to Taos, wondering if she really enjoyed herself in NYC and wondering if she was missing me the way I was missing her. I didn't have to worry long. We talked after her weekend in Taos. It was a Monday, Memorial Day (the date will always be remembered), I was working. Jennifer called me and asked if I was thinking about her. I said yes, I was. She had been on my mind all day. She giggled and said that she had been thinking about me all day..... in Taos and on ther drive home. She told me that she was thinking about how nice it would be if I was there with her. She asked me how quickly I could get transferred to New Mexico. I said probably by early fall. She asked if I wanted to move to Taos and live with her. I think she knew what my answer would be.

There are those who do not believe in miracles, who do not believe in fate, who do not believe that there is a perfect match for them and who do not believe in love. True Love. I should know. I was one of them..... but no longer am. A miracle happened to me last year. I met this amazing woman. But God and Goddess do not make things that easy for us. We, as in Jennifer and I, we had to work at it, to prove to ourselves, each other and those close to us that what we have is the most precious gift there is next to giving birth..... and hopefully we will have that gift too. She is my perfect match. We are like bookends, Jennifer and me. Neither of us is a perfect person..... but we are perfect for each other. Fate brought us together..... and love has melded us into what we are now. We are now a we. Me, Jennifer, Bella, Us. Babbies too. I have been blessed beyond all hope and reason. God and Goddess has seen fit to let this amazing woman love me and I will never again squander that love.

Jennifer, I love you, want to spend the rest of my life loving you, want to give you all the Babbies you want, want to make you as happy as you make me. Thank you for trusting and believing.

Te Adoro


Marcos

Empty.....

It's been a while since..... I wrote, shared, spoke, felt, lived, cried, laughed, smiled, was happy, was sad, cared, worked, played, walked, ran, hoped, prayed, planned.....

I left New Mexico almost a month ago and have not felt "normal" since. I have felt lost, alone, scared, angry..... empty. I came to New York hoping to put my past behind me, hoping to heal. I ran to New York City looking outward for something that can only come from within. I crawled to New York City a failure leaving behind the life I always wanted but could not handle.

So here I sit.... all alone.... in a room that feels just like the jail cell I sat in for so many years. I used to hope, to pray, to plan and to dream. I had dreams, visions, aspirations.... now I have only myself.... and only myself to blame for the failure that is my life.

Can I turn it all around? Can I get back on a solid path? Can I rise above? Of course. I am strong, a true survivor. The real question is do I want to.....

Daydreaming....

I was sitting at my desk in santa Fe this morning, easing my way in to the day by putting my legs up on the desk and slowly sipping my coffee. The early morning sun was intense, as it usually is at this altitude. The sun was starting to peek over the roof, spilling in my office through dirt streaked windows. The light peirced the window and came right through my office, illuminating all the microscopic dirt and dust in the air. It was magical watching the swirling dust motes having their moment in the sun. The sun continued to rise until it passed that point where it no longer streamed through my window and the show was over. It was like all that dust left for the time being, awaiting the sun's return..... but we all know that the dust motes are still there, floating aimlessly with the currents awaiting a purpose, awaiting their moment in the sun.

Sometimes my life is like that. Sometimes I, too feel like I'm drifting with the currents, unnoticed, unwanted and unappreciated.... just waiting, waiting and wondering when I will once again will be illuminated, noticed, valued, wanted. I wonder where my light is and I wonder if I will ever have another moment in the sun.

What have I done.....

I am leaving New Mexico. It is now official. My last day here will be February 23rd., a Monday. By Thursday morning I'll be in New York City. By Friday I'll be at Parole trying to appeal the decision to keep my parole going for another year at least. Maybe i'll be successful, maybe not but I do know one thing.... I already lost everything, everything that was important to me. I know, I have my freedom, I have my health, I have family and I have Elmo but it all seems empty, hollow, unimportant without her in my life. I will probably spend the rest of my life wondering what could have.... and what should have been. She was and still is the only woman I have ever loved unconditionally, the only one who takes my breath away when I see her, the only one that makes me fumble like a little schoolboy, the only one who makes my heart skip a beat, the only one who's touch ignites me and the one woman who always treated me with care, compassion and love.

On February 23rd, 2009 I will drive away from the woman I love..... and drive towards a future without her snile, her laugh, her touch. I am heartbroken.

Intolerance

I used to be a very opinionated man. I had opinions and ideas that were set in granite. No one could sway me from my beliefs. What usually goes hand in hand with this type of rigidity is intolerance, and boy was I intolerant. I was not always like that. I grew up being this hippy dippy, carefree, accepting and non critical guy just happy to be a part of this world. Living in the 'burbs, raising a family on Long Island I slowly morphed into this rigid, opinionated man, mad at the tolerant world..... but in reality mad at myself for becoming what was anathama to me.

And no, I am not blaming the 'burbs or it's inhabitants. The problem was and still is me. I didn't know who I was, had no moral foundation so I was ripe for indoctrination. I was confused, unhappy with my life and needed someone or something to blame. And of course the easiest people to blame are the weakest, the most defenseless... the people who need the most help, kindness and understanding are always the easiest to target.

So, for me it was the liberals, the gays, the punks, the criminals, the misguided youth..... anyone who was different than me..... and any religion that was not Christian. Of course Certain Jews were exempt.... like my wife, father in law, my children.... exceptions to the rule. The reason why the world was such a messed up place was because two men were having sex in privacy of their own home, gays could adopt, kids were sporting red, spiky hair and so on. I was like a sponge and absorbed everybodies hateful and hurtful opinions.

Of course my reality check came in the form of a 12 year sentence for armed robbery. All of a sudden I was who and what I despised. I was on the fringe. I was an enemy of society. And it got worse. I entered prison and was no longer the white guy at the top of the food change. In the blink of an eye I went from being part of the 83% majority to the 21% minority. It was a shocking, scary and humbling lesson but one I sorely needed. Perceptions. Tolerance. Reality. Opinions. All changd for me during those humbling years.

Zoom to yesterday. I went to a "home church" last night. Sounded like a nice idea. Grass roots religion.... like at the beginning. People getting together, sharing food, sharing song, sharing fellowship, sharing love. And that was how it started. Lots of warm welcomes, a pot luck dinner (I supplied some primo home-baked cornbread), song and prayer. Then something funny happened. The nights "leader" or "home pastor" started talking about social causes, about tithing, about upcoming events. Reasonable but I was wanting to talk about the bible, Jesus, love. Then the pastor went somewhere else, somewhere dark, somewhere from my past. He started taking about the gays, the muslims, abortions, young people with orang hair and strange piercings. He started talking about people who were different than "us", people who were on the fringe, people whose rights in this society get constantly trampled, people who need our love and support, not our disgust.

These people were what was and is wrong with our society was the underlying message. These people are keeping us from spreading the word, these people have no place in a Christian Democracy. Christian Democracy? I thought we were a home church, not a political action committee. And by the way isn't there a little thing called separation of church and state. Furthermore, isn't it tghis type of narrow thought that creates fundemental states like Iran and before that Afganistan where narrow minded men created such organizations as the Taliban? Hmm...

To me the message was poison. A message not of love and understanding but one of intolerence and hate. Now I'm the first guy who will say "I may not support your opinion but I support your right to have it.... and air it out" but that does not mean I have to be a part of it. Furthermore, I know from past experience how easy it would be for me to join them, to pick up the banner of intolerance and once again blame those who need our love most for all the problems in my life. I would slip it on like and old shoe. I may not know much but I do kn ow me and do know how easy it is to fall into that type of thinking. I know about the power of the group, he circle. How warm a feeling to a part of something, even something so devisive. So, instead of surrendering to the warm embrace of the group I left early to go home and tend to my new puppy and to pray for that group.... to ask God to help them see the truth, to bring them in to the light of love, acceptance, forgiveness and tolerance. To help them see that to be tolerant, accepting and inclusive is to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

It is a bright, sunny Sunday. Gods day.... although every day is His day. As I type out this thought, this rambling I feel a comforting warmth spreading through my body. It is the warmth that comes when I know I am once again on the right path, that I prayed for instead of condemning, that I loved and did not hate. I always hear the saying "God works in mysterious ways" but these ways are becoming less and less mysterious as time passes. I think what God wants for all of us is to love one another, love ourselves, share our toys, take an afternoon nap, hold hand crossing the street, eat our milk and cookies and to give thanks to Him for this wonerous miracle called life that each one of us has been blessed with.

Aman Bothers and Sisters.

Reality Check.... Part 2

It would appear that my reality has changed somewhat since the last time I checked. My game face has been put away for the time being, my feelings are now on hold. This new responsibility is what now motivates me. elmo is my new best friend, my partner and my travelling companion. We have a lot of places to go Elmo and me. A lot of sights to see. A lot of road to cover.... I hope he knows how to drive a stick.

My New Love.....

Sometimes the only way to heal is to find another who needs our love and support. Sometimes we just need to get outside of ourselves, to take the focus off of our pain and put it on someone who is more needy, more helpless and who needs more love to survive.

I have been given the privilege of raising this orphan, this little ball of fur and teeth. I have been given the job of loving this little creature...of caring for him and giving him what he needs to survive. I have a funny feeling that he will give back to me so much more, so very much more.