Definition of Insanity

Until recently my life always seemed to be a series of incidents and accidents strung together to form the semblence of a life. I stumbled through my youth never really taking anything seriously. Even when I went to college I never applied myself. I fell into a marraige and had three accidental children. Now do not get me wrong, I loved and still love my children, I just don't think I was father material back then. Now, yes. Then, no.

They say that if you do not learn from history it is doomed to repeat itself. There is also a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result. Sometimes.... actually at some point in almost every day I'll pause for a moment and contemplate why I did what I did to wind up in prison for so long. Of course the first question that needs to be answered is what I did. I robbed 9+ banks at gunpoint over a period of 14 months. And no, I did not physically hurt anybody. Mental trauma? Absolutely.

Of course the easy answer to the question is need or greed... or maybe both. Both my wife and I had decent careers at the time so it wasn't need. I didn't covet or hoard the money I stole so it probably wasn't greed either. So, what was it. A friend suggested that I went to prison to get away from my ex. Pretty funny... and sad... and maybe not too far from the truth.

The closest I can come to an explanation is that I was so empty, so totally devoid of any spark, any life, any humanity that I would do almost anything to get out of the life I was in. Why Bank Robberies? Why not. At that point in my life it did not matter what the action was just that it would complete the job I had started and that was to utterly destroy the empty life I was living.

From the start I fully expected to be shot dead coming out of a bank. I did not expect to make it to prison and if I did Idid not think I would ever be released. And I did not care one bit. That was who I was. That was the wonderful life I created. The unfortunate thing is that we do not live in a vacuum, whatever we do affects others we are connected to, like dropping a pebble in a pond and watching the ripples spread. And my ripples spread far and wide.

Today when I look back at who and what I was I pray to God to never become that person again. I pray for the strength to change me. I pray for the people I hurt and pray for their forgiveness. I give thanks for this second chance and ask for the wisdom and strength to one day be able to forgive myself. I am a student of history and keep a keen watch for signs that I am starting to repeat history.... or live out my offered definition of insanity.

Have a blessed day.