Decision making 101

It is a cool day in Santa Fe. bright and cool. Refreshing. Quiet. Peaceful. Something about this type of morning that really helps me get outside of myself, that helps me connect with God. I am staying with a friend in town. I was living outside town in the Pecos Valley but the old me, essences of which still invade and disrupt this new life, ruined a realtionship I was in and almost ruined me. Oh, I take full resposibility for what happened, I just know that the person I was is not the person I am or want to be... yet I am only an imperfect soul who while learning and moving forward still slips from time to time.
I have a lot of decisions to make in the near future. The old me would just dive in, leap before looking. The new me knows that, or belives that I need to take my hands off of the rudder and let God steer this ship. The new me knows that in Gods loving hands I could be no safer. I need to remeber that my best plans cost me 12 years of my life and damaged the lives of friends and family.
This morning I prayed for the strength to be able to stay in the moment and to stop projecting the rest of my life. I prayed for those I love and those I had harmed. I thanked God for providing me this second chance at life and prayed for the gratitude I need to show for the things I do have and not for bitterness over the things I do not have.
The truth is that I have a good life. When I was released from prison in April of 2005 one of my requirements was to attend a parole release support goup. The group met twice a week for 6 months. We started with 15 parolees with various crimes from robbery to murder to drugs. the only omission were sex offenders. They had their own separate group. By the end of the 6 months there were only five of us still attending. 6 had violated or committed new offenses and were back in jail, three were missing and one was dead from a drug overdose. The five of us kept in touch and by the years end two were back in jail which left three.
That was 2 years ago and since then I have lost contact with the other two. Actually, I think I purposely stopped checking so depressing and frightening was the reality. For a long time I knew, knew that it was only a matter of time before I wound up back in prison. Why would I think that? I wasn't doing anything wrong. I felt that way because I really didn't think I deserved this second chance, this new life and truth be told there were times when I missed being locked in my cell with a hot pot, cup of coffee, a radio and a cigarette. It was safe, there were zero resposibilities and everything I needed was within arms length.
Scary thinking, huh? This is the type of thinking that either brings you back to jail or forces you to do whatever you need to do to remain free. Everything legal and moral that is. And so it was with me. These thoughts were the catalyst behind me wanting to make drastic changes in my life. I really did not want to go back, I did not want to fail. I wanted to be free.... or what I perceived as being free. Of course there is another type of freeedom but that is a blog for another day.

Peace and love,

Mark