Love is....

There is an old Eric Clapton song called "why does love got to be so sad". A good question. I was married, have three children, been in 2 other "long term" relationships but never really understood love, or felt love until 7 months ago when I met Jennifer. Meeting her was like a dream for me. I was sure that I knew her from a previous life, that I had dreamed of her while in prison.

At first I couldn't handle what I was feeling, didn't understand what I was going through but over time with the help of Jennifer I was able to get control of my emotions and start a relationship with her. What I came to realize over time was that I never really knew what it was like to be in love, to love another and accept their love. That is what overwhelmed me. Ne feelings, new emotions.

We went out, went steady, got engaged, moved in and then after Thanksgiving broke up. The reason for the breakup was my inability to be completely honest and I lost her trust. The pain I felt from that breakup was unlike anything I have ever felt. I was devastated. I was crushed. I was lost. And in my darkest hour it was the person I had hurt who brought me in to the light of God. It was Jennifer who showed me that I was not alone and that I could not only recover but grow.

Throughout this process Jennifer has been there for me, offering suggestions, kind words and sweet smiles. It was with her that I bought my first Bible. It was with her that I found a Church I could be me in. It was with her that I found the strength to start writing this blog. I owe a lot to Jennifer, more that I could ever repay.

But I still love her.... love her like no other. I want to be with her, want to share my life with her, want to walk this path with her. Unfortunately it is not only my decision to make. It takes 2 to make a couple and Jennifer is not sure. This morning I walked away from her saying that I could not take being just friends anymore. That I was confused, that I was hurt and that I was in pain. Me, me, me, me, me. I never really considered her struggle. So now I sit at my desk and try to find the words to say to her to allow me to stay in her life in whatever capacity. For a moment I forgot what I had learned, the definition of love that she had taught me.

Real love is unconditional and completely selfless. Real love is giving, doing or feeling for another without expecting anything in return. Real love is putting that persons needs ahead of your own. Real love is work. Real love starts and ends with friendship. Real love is an unmistakeable feeling of joy and happiness. Real love is God's gift to us and hope for us.

I hope you find love,

Mark